IT was claimed this week that Prince William is set to drop the royal policy of “never complain, never explain”.
I’m not sure this is a good idea. We all remember what happened with Prince Andrew.
There were all sorts of whispered rumours about his relationship with the paedophile Jeffrey Epstein, but instead of ignoring them, he decided to explain himself in a TV interview with Emily Maitlis. Which went well.
Because afterwards, the whispered rumours became huge rumbling shouts and he ended up giving £12million to a woman he claims he’d never met.
Politicians know what I’m on about. When they’re caught with the hand in the till or a girlfriend’s knickers, they don’t just put their heads down and go back to work.
They always decide to explain themselves and that always makes everything worse.
This week, President Biden actually managed to string a whole sentence together, and said Putin should not be in power.
However, as this is a total diplomatic no-no, his aides immediately rushed in front of the cameras to say that what the doddery old fool meant to say was that Putin should not be in power . . . in Ukraine.
It was a hopeless excuse which made them look stupid.
And talking of stupid, Matt Hancock. Only last month he donned an unwise polo-necked jumper and took part in an interview about the affair he’d had while the rest of us were hiding from Covid, under the stairs.
And there is literally no one on earth who watched that and thought, “Oh yeah. He’s a nice guy. He should get his job back.”
I’ve been there. A few years ago, a newspaper claimed I’d used the N-word and I was furious because of course I hadn’t.
So I took to social media, flapping and squawking about my innocence and it was like pouring petrol on the fire.
I’ve learned that there’s nowhere on God’s green earth more expensive than the moral high ground. And Prince William needs to understand that as well.
Because if he comes out like a whirling Dervish every time someone says something horrible about his wife’s frock or his brother’s new tattoo, he’s going to look pathetic and foolish.
I appreciate that when he and his wife were roundly criticised for being too colonial on their recent trip to the Caribbean, he must have been squirming with rage.
He’d only done what the job requires him to do. And now every- one was shouting at him.
Well, your Princeness, here’s my suggestion.
Go into a quiet corner and spend some time kicking furniture to get it out of your system, because if you shout back, it’ll cost you your dignity and us, just maybe, the Royal Family itself.
Rishi’s petrol tanks
WHEN Rishi Sunak invited photographers to watch him filling up his car with petrol and then actually paying for it, most commentators noticed that he plainly had no idea how credit card machines work.
Not me, though. I was much more concerned by the fact that the car he’d filled up was a humble Kia Rio.
I didn’t believe that Rishi, the richest man in government, would drive a Kia, so I did some checking. And it turns out, he doesn’t.
He actually has a Golf. Well that’s what he says in interviews. But he also has a Range Rover.
Come on, man. Why hide it? If you’re happy to be seen swanning around in a pair of £335 Italian shoes, why not admit you have some serious wheels?
It’s not a crime you know.
A limp reply
IF you’d asked Winston Churchill, or Margaret Thatcher, or Tony Blair, or even Gordon Brown if a woman can have a penis, they’d have wondered if you’d lost your mind, and said: “No.”
But we now live in strange times, so when Sir Starmer was asked the same question this week, he sort of said: “Er.”
He probably thought he was being very on-message and woke, and it’s true. He was.
Which means he will have secured eight votes at the next election. And lost 20million.
OH dear. The Rev Ian Maslin, vicar of Dunsfold in Surrey, has been fired after he admitted taking class A drugs.
It should be noted at this point that, for many years, the parish of Dunsfold was home to the production of Top Gear.
Maybe that’s why he took the job there.
A POLL by the charity Help For Heroes has found that half of the 2,100 young people quizzed did not know when the Falklands War happened.
Meanwhile, one in ten thought it had been started when Britain invaded the islands, which many thought were in the English Channel.
Most shockingly of all, one in four young people had not heard of the war at all.
This is what happens when people get all their information from social media.
They’re fully up to speed on Dua Lipa’s favourite sunglasses but think Goose Green is a type of jacket.
Which means they’ll walk past a homeless Falklands vet in the street and not have a clue why he’s there.
April 1 is like TikTok
I ALWAYS never enjoy reading the newspaper on April Fool’s Day because I always know that one of the stories is nonsense.
And because I know that, I find it hard to believe any of them.
Yesterday, for example, we were told that fish can count, that there will be a statue of Piers Morgan in Trafalgar Square, that one in five people prefer a Cadbury’s Flake bar to sex and that police horses are being trained to deal with pedestrian crossings that are painted to look like the Gay Pride flag.
Which one of those is the April Fool gag? Dunno. So I have to believe none of them. Still. It could be worse.
Most young people get all their news these days from TikTok and Twitter.
Where 97 per cent of what you see and read EVERY DAY is made-up twaddle.
WHEN I heard that Taylor Hawkins, of the Foo Fighters, had died in a hotel room, in Colombia, I was like: “Yeah right. Colombia, eh?”
It turns out, however, that I was wrong.
Because initial investigations showed that his body contained traces of heroin, marijuana, morphine, benzodiazepines and tricyclic anti- depressants. But no cocaine.
lA BOY of 16 has been suspended from a public school called Wellington after admitting he went online and bought the various ingredients he needed to build a bomb.
What’s the matter with kids today?
When I was at school and I wanted to make a bomb, I just nicked what I needed from the chemistry lab.
A thrill to have F1 back
IN recent years, I’ve had some pretty harsh things to say about Formula One. But not any more.
Spurred on perhaps by the success of the Drive To Survive show, the sport’s chiefs came up with new rules for 2022 and it’s already paying dividends.
The cars can now follow one another more closely, which makes overtaking easier.
And best of all, when you are overtaken, that’s not game over as it used to be. Now, you can fight back.
There have only been two races so far and both have been utterly thrilling.