WHENEVER I have my doubts about Brexit the EU steps in to declare: “Non monsieur, you were dead right to get the hell out!”
It’s easy to fleetingly feel we made the wrong decision when the UK seems a bit closer to breaking up, the dinghies full of illegal immigrants keep arriving and there are a million job vacancies Brits don’t want.
But then the European Union shows we were right all along, especially with their latest madness: An EU army, the ultimate Brussels vanity project.
What would be the purpose of a barmy EU army? What would it take to get them to surrender? And who exactly would they fight?
But what began as a strictly economic project — the Common Market we joined in the Seventies — is set to make the transition to military power.
European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen calls for an EU “Defence Union”.
The two leading candidates to succeed Frau Merkel as Germany’s next chancellor both support the plan for a 5,000-strong rapid reaction force masterminded from a Brussels bunker.
But the most fanatical advocate of an EU army is Emmanuel Macron. This bite-sized, bargain-basement Bonaparte has announced that France’s seat on the UN Security Council could be “put at the disposal of the European Union” if he gets Brussels’ backing for an EU army.
Macron, a preening anti-American political pygmy, has described Nato — the force for good that has kept the peace in Europe since World War Two — as “brain-dead”.
Nothing would stroke Macron’s unfeasibly large ego like being the architect of an EU army.
How his Gallic manhood would quiver with pride as he inspected those rows of blue helmets.
However rocky it gets in the aftermath of Brexit, the EU is always there — in all its shining corruption, incompetence and poisonous, petty spite
The very idea of an EU army is bizarre because Germany and France have never been anywhere near as keen as the British to send their combat troops into action.
But the French president is embittered by Brexit, deeply humiliated by the UK’s vaccine rollout (and France’s inability to invent a Covid jab that works) and furious at the Aukus security pact between Australia, the UK and the US that dumped France out in the cold.
Macron treats his next-door neighbourhood with a withering contempt he makes no attempt to conceal. He slanders our brilliant Oxford-AstraZeneca vaccine then steals five million jabs of it.
His mouthy acolytes threaten to blockade Britain and destroy our Christmas because we grow weary of French fishermen plundering our fish.
But I will say this for this no-mark Napoleon: Emmanuel Macron is the best friend Brexit ever had.
Because he would so obviously love to see our country on its knees.
No divorce is ever a stroll in the park.
We will see in the coming years there were undeniable cons as well as multiple pros in our leaving the European Union.
But everything that the Brexiteers said about Brussels turns out to be true.
Brexiteers claimed the EU was incompetent — and we watched in horror as Brussels cocked-up their vaccination rollout.
We will see in the coming years there were undeniable cons as well as multiple pros in our leaving the European Union
Brexiteers said the EU was corrupt — and last month an auditor of EU finances, Belgian baron Karel Pinxten, was found guilty of fraudulently claiming 570,000 euros’ worth of expenses, including hunting trips, holidays and — my favourite — the purchase of a vineyard in Burgundy.
Brexiteers always maintained that EU was so full of itself that one day it would demand its own army to pompously strut the world stage.
And now Macron’s barmy EU army is on its way.
However rocky it gets in the aftermath of Brexit, the EU is always there — in all its shining corruption, incompetence and poisonous, petty spite — to remind us of one unassailable truth: Staying inside the EU was never an option.
ADELE’S A BRIT SPECIAL
“I AM ready to be famous again,” Adele tells friends, appearing on the covers of both American and British Vogue.
In a world where fame is bestowed on so many of the undeserving – the talentless offspring of celebrities; the reality show non-entities – it is good to see someone famous who earned it.
With Adele ruling the charts and James Bond smashing box-office records, it feels gloriously like we are ready for another round of Cool Britannia.
Truly, was there ever a country this small that produced so much iconic talent so beloved around the world?
This is soft power in action.
All we need now is for Oasis to reform and Mr Bean to make a comeback.
BORIS FIT TO BURST
LENNY KRAVITZ and Boris Johnson, both 57, were born weeks apart in the late spring of 1964.
So it was fitting that as the dreadlocked rocker was displaying his frankly astonishing abdominal muscles, Boris was demonstrating his own keep-fit-at-57 routine, jogging through the streets of Manchester in a work shirt.
Don’t be fooled by the fact that Boris looks like he puts on his running gear in the dark.
He has always tried hard to keep fit.
There’s no mystery about Lenny’s washboard abs – they were hard-earned by rigid discipline in gym and kitchen.
The real mystery is why, after all those decades of cycling and jogging in Bermuda shorts, Boris Johnson doesn’t have abs like Lenny Kravitz.
Slummy mummies and dingy daddies
WHAT you notice about the slobby habit of parents wearing nightwear for the school run is that the children with those slummy mummies and dingy daddies are always tiny mites.
I doubt there is a teenager in the land who would allow their parents to take them to school while sporting jim-jams.
KRISTEN WILL BE CROWNED THE SUPERIOR PRINCESS DI
WE instinctively cringe when a US actress makes a stab at playing Princess Diana.
Netflix’s recent Diana: The Musical has been slaughtered by critics, who called it “hysterically awful” and “too bad to even hate-watch” in the kinder reviews.
The musical stars Jeanna de Waal as a charisma-free, thick-as-a-plank Princess of Wales, displaying not a jot of Diana’s charm, humour and emotional wisdom.
Actresses invariably struggle to capture an icon who is still so vivid in the global imagination.
The exception is Kristen Stewart. Her performance as Diana in Spencer – a film about Charles and Diana’s collapsing marriage, written by Peaky Blinders creator Stephen Knight – is reportedly astonishing.
Perhaps slightly less convincing are Jack Nielen, 12, and Freddie Spry, ten, who are tasked with playing the young William and Harry.
Where is the justice?
AS Wayne Couzens begins his whole-life sentence for the murder of Sarah Everard, Colin Pitchfork is released from prison.
He served 33 years for the rape and murder of 15-year-olds Dawn Ashworth and Lynda Mann.
The judge sentencing him to life in 1988 doubted he would ever be released.
Now this double rapist and murderer is a free man aged 61, while for the devastated families of his young victims, the unimaginable pain goes on for ever.
How is this justice?
KEELER SON SO LOYAL
WHEN Christine Keeler was released from prison in 1964 after serving six months for perjury, she was 22 and her name was already a byword for scandal.
Four years after her death, at the age of 75, it still is.
Her punishment did not last for six months. It lasted a lifetime.
Christine was a beautiful 20-year-old from the sticks when she began sleeping simultaneously with War Secretary John Profumo and a Russian intelligence officer.
The resulting scandal was credited with bringing Harold MacMillan’s government crashing down.
Christine was jailed for saying there were no witnesses present when an old boyfriend called “Lucky Gordon” viciously assaulted her.
In fact, two men saw the attack but begged her not to tell the police.
So Christine did not go to jail for sleeping with Profumo. It just felt like it.
“There was a public appetite for wanting to punish Christine and a need for ‘the Establishment’ to put her in her place,” says her son Seymour Platt, 49, a business analyst living in Ireland.
“One of the saddest aspects of it all is that she agreed. She accepted the idea that she deserved to go to prison because she had been told so often she was bad.
“She was very scarred by everything that happened to her in 1963 and carried that through her life.”
Seymour says the scandal left his mother “broken”.
He believes she suffered a miscarriage of justice and is seeking a posthumous pardon for her conviction.
The case is being considered by the Lord Chancellor.
Good luck to Christine Keeler’s loyal, loving son in his bid to clear her name.
“I need to fix this for my mum,” he says simply.
We should all have children who love us that much.
END BBC SNOBBERY
THE new Culture Secretary Nadine Dorries says that the BBC “needs a less elitist and snobbish approach”.
I’m not sure such an approach is even possible. Can you imagine someone with a Geordie, Scouse or Cockney accent reading the news?
Mind you, the BBC has patronisingly started to allow working-class people to do the voiceovers between shows.
Somehow that only emphasises the lack of true diversity at our national broadcaster.