‘Generous Tories help the poor by taking money off them as the wealthy hide trillions’ – Mark Steel

The cut seems especially generous because the wealthiest people are hiding £9.7trillion in tax havens where they dodge the rules to avoid paying tax

This week the extra payment of £20 Universal Credit, introduced during the pandemic, was cut again.

The Government said it was only a temporary measure, because you can’t expect the poor to eat permanently.

Minister Nadine Dorries helpfully explained: “What we’re doing is giving people a step out.”

It’s always a sign of generosity, to help the poor step out by taking money off them.

That’s why you see so many people lying in shop doorways, shouting “can you take a few coins off me please, mate. I’ve got nearly two quid to last me the week, please take it away so I can step out”.

It’s the same when a crackhead robs 20 quid from a pensioner.

The robbers are simply helping them not to rely on their pension, and to step out to towards self-reliance by having to eat cat food for the week.

The cut seems especially generous because the other financial news is that the wealthiest people in the world are hiding £9.7trillion in tax havens such as the Cayman Islands, where they dodge the rules to avoid paying tax.

So there’s an obvious way to make the world fair.

The poorest people in Britain must be allowed to set up a benefits haven.

Anyone should be allowed to claim as many benefits as they like, as long as all the money is sent to the Isle of Wight, where the rules are relaxed.

So you can receive unemployment benefit while doing a window cleaning round, as long as the windows are registered in Ventnor.

Cleaners will be able to claim Universal Credit without mentioning their earnings on the application, if their bucket and sponges have a residence in a cupboard on the ferry from Portsmouth.

Campaigners will protest against this obvious theft, but the Government can say they can’t be too hard on benefit cheats or they’ll move abroad and fiddle a different country, which will be a huge loss to our economy.

You’ll be able to claim disability benefit, saying that you can’t move because your neck is broken in 27 places even if there’s nothing wrong with it, as long as the neck is registered on Shanklin pier.

Specialist accountants will find loopholes in the law that state this is perfectly legal providing the neck is in the Isle of Wight for 20 days a year.

So claimants will have to visit each year, and the island will be transformed into a giant playground for benefit cheats.

A massive harbour will be built in Sandown, where benefit cheats will spend their summer relaxing on the decks of their pedalos and sipping lager before flaunting their wealth in the amusement arcades.

Sometimes it will be reported that a woman from St Helens has claimed for 370 babies that don’t exist, but her financial advisor will reply that they were all registered as living in the theme park at Blackgang Chine, so no law has been broken.

She’ll donate £2million to a party that supports benefit cheats, and the world will be fair at last.