It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man in possession of Conservative politics must be in want of someone to blame.
After the disabled have been hidden, the poor robbed, children malnourished, and the asylum seekers offshored to Rwanda, the most convenient and reliable receptacle for blame of any passing sort is a woman. And any woman will do.
The pretty ones are too pretty, the ugly ones too ugly, the fat or thin ones too bothered or not bothered enough about their appearance. Boobs, bums, waists, clothes, shoes, hair, handbags – every part of a woman, even her accessories, is made to take responsibility for the failures of men.
The Conservative men don’t seem to notice this reduces them to being the sum of their genitals: a Tory Tom and Jerry cartoon, with eyes out on stalks and brains disengaged from the task which the woman they are blaming has a much better grasp of.
This weekend it was claimed that Boris Johnson’s poor showings at the Despatch Box, where he has been debagged, skewered, and humbled by Keir Starmer for the whole nation to see, is the fault of the woman sat to one side, and nothing to do with the fact the PM a) broke the law or b) is being slowly strangled by his own alibi.
It is deputy Labour leader Angela Rayner’s legs at fault, specifically for being crossed and uncrossed, which anonymous Tory men say has distracted Big Dog from – *checks notes* – er, not being a criminal.
The table between the two of them is 10ft wide and 3ft high. Its sides are boxed in, and it is impossible to see beneath. For Ms Rayner’s legs to be visible to the front bench opposite, they’d have to double in length when she enters the Commons and she’d need to be crossing them like Kenny Everett in full drag.
By blaming a woman’s legs for distracting a Prime Minister who couldn’t even see them, the Tory men have gifted Ms Rayner immense magical powers while admitting that, in fact, THEY were too busy staring at her pins to pay the tiniest bit of attention to their boss. Mark their names, Boris – they’re nothing but bait for a Russian honeytrap.
Supporters of this Prime Minister also blamed his wife for ambushing him with a cake, and Allegra Stratton for not being able to say, straight-faced, that it was a work event. Perhaps Tory men are often taken by surprise on other people’s birthdays, or are used to coming up with reasons why they can’t leave the office, especially not one that has legs in it.
Tory men previously forced Amber Rudd to resign for the Windrush scandal, when 26 previous Home Secretaries – only two of them female – had created, worsened, and done nothing to resolve it.
And who can forget one Tory man in particular, who in 2017 told the Foreign Affairs Select Committee that Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe was responsible for her own incarceration by the Iranian regime, which ended only after his female successor agreed to pay the debt that was requested in the very first week of her captivity.
But wait, there’s more! There’s the first Tory female leader, who wasn’t nice enough to the men around her. There was the second female Tory leader, who wasn’t firm enough with the men around her. One had a frightening handbag, and the other once wore a jacket in which, her colleagues realised live on television, she kept her breasts.
And this, we’re told, is the party that claims a victory for women by having two female leaders.
There was Home Secretary Jacqui Smith in 2007, who after standing up to discuss the terror attack on Glasgow Airport was criticised for doing so while owning boobs. There was Lisa Nandy in 2011, who made a point while wearing a perfectly unremarkable jacket and shirt, but which was spoken of in the same tones as Janet Jackson’s nipple ring.
When Nadine Dorries and Penny Mordaunt were promoted, Tory papers published publicity shots of them in swimming costumes and noted archly that it was an incredible coincidence. When Labour’s Caroline Flint and the Tories’ Esther McVey were promoted to government, “thigh-flashing” skirts grabbed more column inches than their actual ability to do the job.
Throw in a general dislike for anything Tory men consider effeminate, like the French, transgender people, or those who work from home, and pepper it with a party-wide loathing for beautiful, opinionated, woke Meghan, and distaste for not beautiful, opinionated, unwoke Angela Merkel, and you have a Venn diagram that says it all.
Tory men can be relied upon to be confused about every possible permutation of the feminine, the confusion makes them angry, and the thing they get angriest about is a woman with opinions.
You won’t hear Tory men say Rishi Sunak got the job because he’s handsome, or that Dominic Raab was promoted, despite his Earth-spanning stupidity, because he’s slim. They’ll never say that Jamie Wallis wasn’t really a victim of rape, that Michael Fabricant’s hair is an effort to distract Labour opponents, nor that Johnson’s weight battles make him unfit to be Prime Minister.
It wouldn’t just be the men of the Tory press angrier at them, and for longer – the Tory Party would have destroyed them. But all this misogyny backfires in the end, for two simple reasons.
First, it makes the Tory men little more than infants, obsessed by breasts and lady parts, and incapable of thinking in a straight line, never mind make internationally-important decisions. When they talk about women, Tory men become hysterical, shrieking, illogical half-wits, as the comments below this article will no doubt prove.
And secondly, it makes women stronger. It loses the argument. Next time Angela Rayner stands at the Despatch Box, she’ll have half the country cheering her on. Voters, male and female, Tory and otherwise, see a ruling party packed with public school whingers incapable of rule, because they’re too busy discussing the attractiveness of women, without ever wondering how to make themselves seem more inviting, to either females in general or voters in particular.