‘Tories said they can be trusted with money but wasted £37bn on useless track and trace’ – Mark Steel

If anyone understands the need to be careful with money, it’s Rishi Sunak’s family with their estimated net worth at more than £400million, making them richer than the Queen

Only the Conservatives can be trusted to be careful with taxpayers’ money, said Rishi Sunak after the mini-Budget.

You can see his point, because they’re like wise Uncle Nigel, who’s a bit dull but always careful with money.

“Always turn off lights when you’re not in the room”, says Nigel, “as we should only spend money on items that are essential, such as £37billion on a track and trace system that doesn’t track anyone or trace anyone and has to be thrown away as it’s sodding useless.”

Or they’re like Mrs Butterworth over the road, who says, “I’ve always been careful with money, dear.

“I freeze leftover mashed potato and gravy, and mix it with beetroot to make soup for a few pence that lasts three days.

“And when my pension comes, just like the Conservatives did, I put by £2.6million on a press conference room that I never use ’cos you have to be careful”.

Anyone who’s started a business has had that awkward meeting with a bank manager when they say, “It’s vital to be careful with your outgoings, like the Conservatives.

“So if you have £10,000 to invest in your company, the most prudent way to spend it is on 12 rolls of posh wallpaper”.

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One careful use of taxpayers’ money by the Conservatives was when Liz Truss went to Australia using a private plane.

Anyone who’s had to stretch money out until the end of the month knows that dilemma.

Do you get the bus to the market where potatoes and fruit are cheaper?

Or are you more careful, and hire a jet for half a million quid and whizz to Australia?

If anyone understands the need to be careful with money, it’s Rishi Sunak’s family.

Their estimated worth is over £400million, making them richer than the Queen.

So if the Queen comes round, the Sunaks must say, “Oh no, we’ve got that awful woman from the rough estate visiting tonight. Make sure you hide the best crockery”.

In one interview after the mini-Budget, the Chancellor claimed his family has noticed the increase in the cost of living.

This week he might explain this further, saying: “Last year our weekly marble statue delivery from Ocado cost £2,500, but when we took our children to buy their marble statues for this school term, they’d gone up by over £100! So we’re all suffering together.”

When asked for something else he’d noticed had gone up in price, he said “crisps”.

It is possible that the Sunak family would notice a 4p rise in a packet of crisps if they were buying eight million packets of crisps a day to build a ready salted palace.

Or they order “truffle and vinegar’” flavour crisps, or “24-carat diamond and onion”.

And if any taxpayers’ money does go missing because someone hasn’t been careful, the Conservatives will announce: “Never mind, we’ll appoint someone to look into this and we know just the person.

“It’s a bloke who goes to the pub with Matt Hancock… he’ll do it for fifty million quid.