This week the United Nations appointed former UK Health Secretary Matt Hancock as envoy to help Africa’s economy recover from coronavirus – but hasn’t Africa suffered enough over the centuries?
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Matt Hancock is a genius. He was the Health Secretary who Dominic Cummings said should have been sacked 17 times. His main achievement was to hand a contract worth £50million to his mate who ran his local pub. Eventually he lost his job when he was caught having an affair in his office.
So this week the United Nations appointed him as envoy to help Africa’s economy recover from coronavirus. Hasn’t Africa suffered enough over the centuries? They had to put up with slavery and famine, now this.
On Saturday the UN changed its mind, but this is terrifying. Who gave him this job in the first place? It’s like finding a broken blender under the sink, with all the blades bent and bits missing. So you decide the best thing is to take it out to sea and shove it up a dolphin’s arse.
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Hancock would have gone to the Sahara Desert and announced: “I’ve awarded a contract to my mate’s sister, who runs a bistro in the Cotswolds, to provide us with some sand for £50million.”
One of his tricks as Health Secretary was to deny there was a desperate shortage of PPE for medics and carers – and refuse to take any blame. So he’ll have been in Africa for a week, and discover he lost most of the vaccine when he left it on a bus. But he’ll blame Africans, saying: “The trouble is they have too many arms to jab. If they were less greedy and had one limb between three, there would be plenty to go round.”
Hancock was Health Secretary in a government which, according to this week’s Health and Social Care Committee report, made Covid in Britain “significantly worse” than in most other countries – and whose incompetence was “almost unimaginable.” So the obvious thing to do was put him in charge of Covid recovery somewhere else, where health issues are easier to deal with, like Africa.
If the UN finds someone who failed their driving test by reversing through a branch of Lidl before landing in a canal, they’d sign them up for Mercedes to race in next season’s Formula 1. So what changed their mind?
Maybe all of Africa was preparing a charity record for Christmas. Rihanna, Kanye West, Bono and Adele would sing “He was sent to stop the virus but now we’ll all expire as, the stupid great disaster has spread it even faster.”
Hancock shouldn’t be sent to countries by the UN to help them recover from disease, he should be sent as a sanction if they break international law. They should warn North Korea: “If you don’t scrap your nuclear missiles, we’ll send Matt Hancock to run your health service.”
The world would be at peace within a week. And the UN must have realised by the time he’d been there a few days, governments across Africa would be searching for a brave woman to have an affair with him, so he’d be sacked again.