GET the candles out.
The more government ministers tell us we are not going to have power cuts this winter, their noses growing every second, the more likely it is we’ll be having a tin of cold Spam for Christmas dinner.
The gas crisis is partly a result of Covid, partly a result of bad luck.
But it is also a consequence of rank bad planning by the Government.
Plenty of experts predicted this scenario. It could have been avoided.
We import a lot of our gas. Internationally, gas prices are very high.
Low demand during Covid lockdown meant (for some reason) that the gas companies delayed important maintenance work for a start.
The Russkies have also been reducing their supplies of gas to Europe, presumably out of spite.
We’re all going to be forking out a lot more for our energy over the next few months.
But maybe some good will come from this crisis.
The first thing that occurs is that we cannot remotely rely upon wind power. This is surely now proven.
You can build as many of these hideous windfarms as you like.
But it’ll do you no good if there’s no wind, will it?
And that’s what’s happened over the last year.
The wind has simply refused to blow very much.
So our windfarms produced only a fraction of the power that was expected.
That’s the problem with relying on the British weather.
It does whatever the hell it wants. It is unpredictable and annoying.
Windfarms are close to useless, then, if we want a reliable form of energy to keep us warm as the nights draw in.
But we do need to wean ourselves off gas, for the sake of the planet.
And especially imported gas.
The answer is blindingly obvious. We should have been investing in a totally reliable and incredibly clean and safe form of energy — nuclear power.
But instead of investing we’ve let things slip, badly.
Almost all of our nuclear plants are ageing, nearing the ends of their working lives.
And we have done nowhere near enough to replace them.
Nuclear energy has one of the best safety records of any form of energy production. The fuel is very close to being renewable. The start-up costs are large, of course.
That is partly because of the exceptional safety standards required.
But we don’t need to build giant nuclear power stations.
Ten or 12 smaller reactors could be built up and down our coasts.
This would be a major investment, sure.
But it would generate many, many jobs — often in areas, such as Hartlepool, where well-paid jobs are in short supply.
And it would provide us with an entirely dep- endable source of energy when, for some unaccountable reason, the wind refuses to blow quite as hard as we would like it to.
The Government must grasp the nettle.
Invest in nuclear power, now.
Or the can of cold spam may become a regular winter fixture for us all.
BIDEN POLES APART
DID you see President Biden’s press conference with Boris Johnson?
Hidden from view was the long pole used by Biden’s aides.
It’s used to jab him in the side every 15 seconds, to wake him up.
I don’t think the UK is going to have a very friendly relationship with this staggeringly hopeless President.
Joe scotched any hope of a quick trade deal by blathering on about the “Northern Ireland Protocol”.
There are geese, herons and other water birds that know more about this issue than Mr Biden.
Democratic Party Presidents are rarely very helpful to our country.
Which is why we would be better off if Donald Trump was still in charge.
The Americans are quickly reaching the view that THEY would be better off as well.
YOU cannot beat Insulate Britain for their sheer arrogance.
The middle-class protesters, who have been blocking the M25 every day, said they are sorry for the trouble they have caused.
But added that they intend to go on causing more trouble.
So in other words, they are not remotely sorry.
They are like the very worst kind of religious zealots.
They believe that they, and they alone, are in the possession of the truth.
Nobody else knows anything.
Meanwhile, the coppers are still treating them with kid gloves.
Get the water cannons out.
It’ll be the first time many of them have had a wash in years.
BAN MY RUDE WORDS
THE TV and radio regulator Ofcom has just listed some words that it characterises as “offensive”.
This includes “gammon” – an elderly rightwing bloke. And “Karen” – a middle-aged white woman.
Here are some insulting terms I have made up and will be using over the next year.
In the hope Ofcom can ban them as well.
Birfee – a boring man who goes on and on about rejoining the European Union. From “Brexit Is Responsible For Everything Evil”.
Lycraphobe – someone who runs over cyclists.
Hedgehog Pate – an environmental protester on a motorway.
Simper – collective noun for a group of Church of England Bishops.
DOCTORS should lecture patients about the need to fight climate change.
This is a serious suggestion made by some loons in the Journal of Paediatrics and Child Health.
So you turn up at the surgery with a badly chafed scrotum, or something, and the doctor starts ranting at you about the poor polar bears.
Listen, we don’t mind being bullied about climate change every night by TV presenters.
We don’t mind politicians hectoring us all and making us install heating systems powered by unicorns.
But at least let us get our boils lanced without being beaten over the head by more condescending
EX-COMMIE defector Wei Jingsheng reckons the coronavirus was released by the Chinese authorities deliberately – at an international sporting event in Wuhan, months before the outbreak took hold.
Is he right? Some think it is likely the virus was man-made.
The Chinese need to be forced into allowing a full and independent inquiry.
Something which they have been very reluctant to do. I wonder why?
THE thing people most worry about upon returning to work is having a poo in the office, a new survey reckons.
I mean in the toilets, not the office itself, obvs.
And so a great British tradition seems to be biting the dust.
The 15-minute toilet break.
Where you settle yourself down with a copy of The Sun and enjoy an idyllic quarter of an hour away from your ghastly colleagues
LEAVE BOND ALONE…THAT’S DOCTOR’S ORDERS
DANIEL CRAIG has made the hugely controversial suggestion that the next actor to take over from him as James Bond should probably be a man.
Yes, Dan – the clue is in the name. But I suspect a female Bond will not be long in coming.
There is nothing to stop a writer creating an action hero who is a woman, or indeed a disabled transgendered parrot. It might make a good film.
But leave the established and much-loved characters alone, huh?
And if in doubt – just have a look at the ratings for Doctor Who, starring Jodie Whittaker.
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